Frustrated girl

The merry go round – this photo is from November

Scans done 3 months ago showed no evidence of disease – we are SO thankful for that. The treatment worked -the cancer can’t be found in her anymore!

Yet, effects from it and the treatment linger.

Weekly hospital trips are done, but the trauma isn’t.

It’s a rare 63 degree, sunny January day and we have friends visiting from out of town. So I brought Joanna and her friend to the zoo. We’re at the playground, they’re having a great time playing.


The merry go round.

It isn’t so merry when you can’t run as fast as you used to or as long as you used to. When your friend wants “faster, faster!” And, you do too – you’re giving it your all, but you’re frustrated because you’re out of breath and energy. You just can’t make it go faster.

My sweet 10 year old sat on the bench next to me crying, upset that she couldn’t please her friend, that she couldn’t do what she wanted to or used to be able to do, upset about the lingering effects of the uninvited cancer battle we all assumed was done with the great news on the scans. She summed it up with “I don’t want to be weak”

Ugggg. There just aren’t enough words in the English language to describe how all this feels.

Yes, I know it takes time to recover and I’ve talked to other parents who have shared that it took 6-8 months post-treatment for their kids to be about 80% as active as before and 12-18 months to really be back to pre-cancer activity. But that knowledge isn’t so helpful when she can’t play the way she wants to.

It is SO hard to remember that even though our schedule has changed, her hair is coming back, and she isn’t throwing up anymore, it’s not just “back to normal”. If you didn’t know her short hair style isn’t by choice, that her hair was down to her waist back in May, you’d have no idea that her body isn’t as healthy as all the other 4th graders around.

It’s only been 3 months, but these moments pop up and take my breath away.


  1. I can understand how frustrating that must feel . Praying for improved strength and stamina as you continue to recover.

  2. I’m sorry for the aftermath this storm leaves behind, especially for a child. We love you all and know you’ll continue to power through this.

  3. As hard as it is to experience and write about these things, thank you for helping us understand the full impact of this journey on your sweet family. Hugs.

  4. It is hard for us grownup to deal with this, think how much harder it is for her. i hope our prayers will help her. Love to all.

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