A bit blah

Today has been one of those kind of blah days -the kind where motivation is lacking all around. It started out too humid to want to walk to the park, and continued to be a bit strange.

Our girl wants to watch as many Marvel movies as we’ll allow, and we’re finishing up some school things. So, after some work she checked out with the TV while I checked out with a random book and Animal Crossing on the Switch. There are plenty of other more productive things we could have been doing. That just didn’t happen today 🙂

It ends up that 2 years ago today is when we buried her beloved goldfish, started chemo, and began months of throwing up.

I knew that late May 2021 is when all that happened, but realizing late in the day that it was today may explain some of the “blah” of today.

Added to the timeline, yesterday we were decorating rocks with markers, to get ready for a Girl Scout activity and part the way through one of her designs one of the markers got a strong reaction from her. She immediately put the cap back on and set it far from her. The she shared that it smelled like the chloraprep they used to clean her port site before accessing it. It’s been over 18 months since her last chemo, yet the smell of that marker brings it all back.

So, while we’re all mostly doing well, there continue to be these little reminders that the trauma of going through cancer treatment is real, and doesn’t just go away once the active treatment ends. Like other types of trauma, we can’t always predict what the reminders or triggers will be. I’m so thankful that she is able to share with us about it. While there aren’t any great solutions, knowing it’s ok and safe to talk about it, or not talk about it -whichever feels right in the moment is helpful.

Interestingly enough, tonight the online support group for parents of kids being treated at our center is scheduled to meet. The first time we met with them was her first week of chemo -they were just re-starting the group then.

This is just the 2nd time we’ve had 4 months between scans instead of 3. So while that part of dealing with the scheduling, the pokes, and all that goes with getting multiple scans done isn’t happening at the moment the I find myself rechecking every now and then about when were the last scans, and how long until the next ones. For some reason the fact they should be early July isn’t sticking, I end up going through the mental game of “the one year post-treatment was November, so 4 months was March, so 4 more months will be July” every couple of weeks. It’s like I know it’s something that’s coming and we need to schedule around, but the exact date won’t be set till about a month prior, and sometimes we get that info because we call to check. I think part of me has experienced that part of our job of advocating for her includes keeping track of stuff, but it’s more spread out so it’s harder to remember for me.

Perhaps the stacks of paperwork from those appointments and their billing that is currently on the extra table in the living room is adding to the “blah”. I’ve been working on getting it sorted and handled. It takes a surprising amount of mental energy to deal with that, and there have been other, more urgent things to handle.

Well, it’s time to get dinner started, but this has been on my mind and sometimes just getting it out helps, so that’s what I’m doing 🙂